Two things... I can't believe I haven't written here since February. It even surprised me when I saw the background - forgot that I had made changes. :)
Secondly - before I start going down memory lane, I have to say that I love my job - my house - my life. Had to say that - so that wandering minds won't wander - or wonder. My present life is blessed with more than anyone deserves.
Three different events brought me to blog tonight. And the funny thing is that they all happened in a three hour time frame. Becky, Dale and Katie.
At the present time, a friend at work is in the trenches of moving - not across town, but across the country. In talking about her world being put in boxes and tubs, suitcases and trucks - I realized I have more "stuff" than I want, or could ever use. I would hate to think that I had to move all this across country, but it has made me think about moving it across town - to charitable organizations. I wish I knew why there was such a desire to hold on to things. I blame it on being at the end of the supply line in North Dakota, unsure when the USAF Commissary would get a delivery. But truthfully, it's deeper: it's a desire to hold on to the past - the memories - times that were good, easy and full of the future. My mind still believes I'll "use it one day". To be nostalgic, those one days are slipping by, and the plans to make that t-shirt quilt or wear that old set of scubs for some dress up event are definitely past - way past.
After work, I went to a facility to see family - a second cousin who was so vibrant in the past, but presently, is such a shell of the person he was. He was the life of the party - full of laughs, cigars, short shorts, and ready for a game of poker at the drop of a hat. (Do you have a mental picture yet? Add in that he is in his 70's.) Alzheimer's disease (or dementia... does it make a big difference in the sadness that he's not the same person we all remember?) has taken so much of the present - and even our past. I remember family reunions where he would take anyone who wanted to go out on his boat - hook a fishing line for anyone who would fish with him, and made more people laugh than I can count. What hurts is that he doesn't remember it. I applaud those nurses, who work in that environment day in and day out. What a huge heart they have.
One more stop before heading home led me to a store where I ran into a former student who I interpreted for. I watched her for a moment, as she worked in her position - in silence - and I was amazed at her attention to detail. We had a great talk - catching up on life, and what has gone on since I saw her last: a car wreck, family changes, a new boyfriend, the frustrations of working where people don't understand that you can't hear or understand them... and so many past emotions flooded over me. I loved the years I worked with high school deaf teenagers. Loved listening to their stories, their jokes, talking about their families, their hopes and dreams as they became adults. Tonight I miss that interaction. Miss the light on their faces when their silent world becomes alive, when they can "talk" to someone - even for a few minutes - to break up the world where they are ignored.
And I am thankful. I'm thankful for friends, family and former students. Each person that I have interacted with today has made an impact on me - some possibly better than others. Whether it will be as much of an impact next week remains to be seen. By this time next week, I will have experienced more memories of the past - more highs in the present, and unfortunately - more regrets that my past isn't as perfect as I would want. So in case my clothes closet hasn't been cleaned out - my craft room is still in as much disarray as it is tonight, and my mind doesn't remember as much as it did last year, I want to come back and read this again - to remind myself that there is more to life than stuff. So what if I don't get home until 8:00 from a work day? Will it count against me if I never have a showcase home? Do 5 (or 6, or 8) extra pounds determine who I really am? The days when I had a great clean house, a 4 course meal on the table at 6:00, and a size 4 wardrobe all mean nothing today. What does have meaning is remembering the smiles - and all the people who have shared their lives with me. For THAT is a present "far too small".
Which brings me to the words of an old song:
"Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all."
Perfect present - by all definitions.
