I've often said I realize I am spoiled. Being an only child of older parents born in the late 50's, I never wanted for anything ~ anything material. I wanted a lot, but not really more stuff. I wanted a big, older brother. I wanted more friends (although I had more than I deserved). I wanted to make my parents proud (ok, more proud than I could imagine). But more than anything, I wanted peace. Contentment. Acceptance: Peace. Why is that one item so many of us want, but never know how to attain? Peace. Perfect peace. Mostly, peace with who we really are, not who we think we want to be.
In 1977, I met a young airman at Bergstrom AFB. He was a fun and funny guy and we just hit it off well. He was a coworker of my 1st husband and after the husband wasn't a husband anymore, I sort of naturally migrated away from Steve. Oh, there was the typical Christmas card exchanges: nothing more. Then 3 years ago, we connected again - and Cassidy and I found ourselves celebrating a Chicago Cubs win at Wrigley with Steve and Gina. Friends... as in keeping old and making new, silver and gold. We've met up again a couple of more times - enjoying each opportunity. Fast forward to July 14, 2015. Gina and I flew into NYC (from Chicago and DFW) for a fast 2 days of laughing, walking, show watching and 9-11 Museum contemplating. For a couple of quickly made girlfriends, you would have never guessed how much we enjoyed the trip, and each other.
We were only on the ground for about 30 hours - but enough time to walk Hell's Kitchen for a couple of meals, ride the Staten Island Ferry, see Jim Parsons do a (practically one man) 90 minute monologue Broadway comedy show, and spend several hours at the 9-11 Memorial/Museum. We talked as we walked, as we rode (subway, bus, ferry), as we ate, as we waited. And we learned that we are so much more alike than we knew last week. We want the best and the most for our kids. We want to work a few more years, retire comfortably and be able to entertain grandchildren while parents catch a breather. We want to remember the good times, remember our youth, remember those who we love and miss. And we don't want to admit we are getting old(er).
Counting this trip, I have been to NYC 24 times and seen 22 Broadway shows plus several Radio City Music Hall Christmas and Spring Shows. One recent trip, the pedometer registered over 30,000 steps and 17 miles in less than 10 hours. THAT record will probably stand. Because after that, I was tired. More tired than any other time I can remember (ok, unless you count the Saturday many of us walked 20 miles the Saturday before Junior Prom for some MDA or similar cause in blistering South Texas heat in about 6 hours).
Oh, the feet ached that night - but thanks to 800 Mg of Advil and Lindy's miracle Epsom Salts and HOT water in a plastic tub, I was able to sleep. And put shoes on the next day. Another friend that I am blessed to have. Another reason I was able to spend so many nights in NYC for free - on a futon they called "mine", in a NYC apartment that I had my own set of keys to. Yes, spoiled for sure. Who else can fly to LaGuardia, get a M60 bus/Subway pass on the A train to the 207th St Stop for $2.50, and sleep for free? Yes, spoiled extraordinaire.
But each trip seems to make me more tired. Physically tired. Sometimes, Mentally tired. Often Emotionally tired. The mind wanders more on the return flight: wanting to call my mom to tell her about the trip - what happened - what we saw - where we ate. Although she never saw New York City, she would have loved to talk and hear about it. She knew how much I love it and she would love it because I did. It wanders to Cassidy - my true travel soulmate. The one who has seen and knows NYC almost as much as I do - and who loves it the way I do. The last 5 trips, I have made without her, and I miss her. Oh, there are those friends, that I truly enjoy. But nothing compares to traveling with your adult daughter. We just know each other - how to maneuver between people, how to rush to catch a train, how to check reviews at a restaurant, how to buy Broadway tickets at the TKTS booth, how to get to S'MAC, how to find the Hallal Guys at Rockefeller Center, how to dodge traffic and rain puddles like a pro. And how I miss traveling with her. Oh, the great thing is I can STILL call and talk to her after a trip. We were able to do that today, as I was leaving work, and as she drove home to Offutt AFB from Iowa, watching a best friend's 1 year old baby. But - it's not the same.
Which brings me back to peace. Although a new baby in her house would be anything but peaceful, it would be a peace for her/their heart. As much as she would love seeing more of New York with me, she will be in Nebraska, waiting. She and Jeremy will be amazing parents. They will raise children who know manners, who love and respect adults, who will appreciate sports and be allowed to play them all, and who will honor their God. Spillman children will have fun, will make memories. They will have opportunities, will be true friends and will love people - just like their parents. And I pray they will live in a world of peace. I also pray I will not be too tired to enjoy those grandchildren ~ to play with them, to run and laugh with them, and to show them all the things their mom and I love to do - when traveling - to baseball stadiums, and to New York. And to teach them about their Great Grandmother, who would have spoiled them - just like she spoiled me.. and her granddaughter.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Another January, Another Hospital
I'm beginning to have a lot of trepidation about January. In 2009, 2013 and now 2015, I've spent too much time sleeping in one, watching people I've loved. Although the 1st two times, they came from no where, this time, it was (sort of) scheduled. At least January 8th was, and the 6 days following. Then January 17 came, and this hospital stay was anything but expected.
Where do I start? Without leading you on a rabbit trail, the story is this: August, 2014, Joel was diagnosed with a massive DVT (blood clot) in his right calf and femoral artery. A regimen began with an anti-coagulant. With no known cause (yes, we had just flown to Chicago, but really? That was a cause? Psh...), he was prescribed Xarelto. His PCP (primary care physician) wanted to do more tests -what really caused it? Since cancer thickens the blood, she asked questions and ordered tests. December, Joel has a routine colonoscopy where a malignant tumor was found in the wall of his colon. Surgery to remove the portion of the transverse section of the colon was performed, and he started walking the halls, to wake up the colon, get it to working, so he could go home. Mission accomplished! :) Cassidy was here from the night before surgery (Jan 7th) until Sunday afternoon (the 11th) when all looked good for him. Which it was. We left North Hills with some new hospital buddies (nurses) and had no reason to look back. Until...
Saturday morning, Joel almost fainted - weak and short of breath. After consulting with my nurse (Cassidy) and calling the surgeon, we were on our way to the ER. A few tests later revealed blood clots in both lungs. Four hours later of trying to find a) the right doctor who knew b) the right procedure who was available and c) had a hospital with an open bed in a cardio vascular ICU and we were off by ambulance to Baylor All Saints hospital in Fort Worth. That night, the room was a hornet's nest of activity: intake evaluation, another chest x-ray, ultrasounds on his legs, lab work, visits by 2 doctors and a nurse practitioner, and I don't remember what else - all to talk to an interventionist radiologist to decide if he needed that specific procedure that sent us here.
Yes, and that was accomplished on Sunday afternoon, from 3-4 pm, with automatic results. He was awake through it all, and talked about it on the way back to his room. Amazed. Speechless. And in awe of the power of prayer that had been said for him from all over the US. His color was normal, his breathing was at the regular depth, his countenance was brighter and the whole world seemed to be singing how wonderful our God was for solving yet one more human frailty.
Then the waiting began... today.. minutes felt like hours. The clock seemed stuck - between "wait til you see the doctor", and "we're not sure he's coming today". Wait a minute... you said wait to see him... he left? we are.. waiting for what?
I know I'm not exactly calm and rational. Okay, I'm anything BUT calm OR rational. I'm exhausted. I've slept on a recliner with a blanket for 9 days out of the past 12. I've been interrupted by doctors, nurses, lab technicians, x-ray and ultrasound folks, internists, hospitalists, intensivists, bathroom needs, 'let's go walk down the hall' needs, and just not able to turn the brain off. It has been anything but unemotional. You go from a routine exam, to cancer Stage 2, to a visit with an oncologist, to a doctor telling you, "I've got good news and bad news: The bad news is you have a saddle embolism - blood clots in both lungs, the good news is that you're not dead." Wow. Because most people with this kind of blood clot don't arrive at the hospital breathing... they die before anyone can help them. Then you hear there are 7 specialists deciding what your best option is - to live. Not an easy walk in the park, is it? One ambulance ride, another hospital to learn, make sure you let people know what is going on when they ask, and oh, by the way - keep it all together, will you?
When doctors give the patient the ability to choose their own treatment - I'm lost. "Yes, you have cancer, it's up to you whether you want chemo or not." or - "Yes you have multiple blood clots in both lungs, and your right heart ventricle is pumping blood at more than twice the norm ~ it's up to you whether you want us to break those clots up and reduce the pressure in your heart." Seriously? Just why are we paying these guys? Isn't the decision making part of the process? YOU doctors have the knowledge, the training, the experience - why are you giving it to amateurs like us?
So - if we must choose - we choose life, and the ability to live it longer. A catheter is placed in Joel's neck with leads going to his heart and his lungs. One hour later, and we have a verdict: the heart pressure is below normal, an IVC filter has been placed to block any more clots moving into the lungs, and the clots already there are already beginning to dissolve. Wow - and you medical folks all credit the heprin for doing that. Thank you God, for heprin. But more importantly - thank you God for giving so many of us the ability to speak to you FOR Joel - to show him how you want to hear from us, how you can heal us miraculously and how we KNOW where the true physician is... HE is sitting on the throne, blessing his people who cry out to him for a loved one. People who have never met Joel, people who have brought his name to your feet begging for healing. People that you love, and want to show your glory through. Thank you for letting us all plead for Joel - and thank you for answering those pleas so quickly, and so strongly.
It's well after midnight. Joel has been asleep for over 2 hours. Sleep comes to us at completely different times. He can sleep any time of any day. I have to be bone tired, almost in a twilight zone before I can sleep. He wakes up, and watches television. IF I wake up, I look at the stars out our window, and fall back asleep - sometimes after starting the music that stopped earlier - sometimes not. Tonight, I'm starting music. A different playlist now. One that is soulful.. even sad at times. Because that is what I am - soulful, but sad. More to think about - more to write about - more to process. I don't want to be sad. It just seems that it's a role moms take on. And we carry it many times to our graves. Mom, I miss you. I wish I could talk to you tonight. YOU would probably still be awake anyway at almost 1am. :) We always had that in common. There are so many things we could talk about: cry about (I'd be doing the crying), and you would be comforting me - like you did so many times when I was really the child. Not this grown adult that is supposed to be the strong one. Sadly, it IS supposed to be this way - I'm now the mom - the strong one. And it's hard. Have to admit this - not a fan. Really... not a fan.
Where do I start? Without leading you on a rabbit trail, the story is this: August, 2014, Joel was diagnosed with a massive DVT (blood clot) in his right calf and femoral artery. A regimen began with an anti-coagulant. With no known cause (yes, we had just flown to Chicago, but really? That was a cause? Psh...), he was prescribed Xarelto. His PCP (primary care physician) wanted to do more tests -what really caused it? Since cancer thickens the blood, she asked questions and ordered tests. December, Joel has a routine colonoscopy where a malignant tumor was found in the wall of his colon. Surgery to remove the portion of the transverse section of the colon was performed, and he started walking the halls, to wake up the colon, get it to working, so he could go home. Mission accomplished! :) Cassidy was here from the night before surgery (Jan 7th) until Sunday afternoon (the 11th) when all looked good for him. Which it was. We left North Hills with some new hospital buddies (nurses) and had no reason to look back. Until...
Saturday morning, Joel almost fainted - weak and short of breath. After consulting with my nurse (Cassidy) and calling the surgeon, we were on our way to the ER. A few tests later revealed blood clots in both lungs. Four hours later of trying to find a) the right doctor who knew b) the right procedure who was available and c) had a hospital with an open bed in a cardio vascular ICU and we were off by ambulance to Baylor All Saints hospital in Fort Worth. That night, the room was a hornet's nest of activity: intake evaluation, another chest x-ray, ultrasounds on his legs, lab work, visits by 2 doctors and a nurse practitioner, and I don't remember what else - all to talk to an interventionist radiologist to decide if he needed that specific procedure that sent us here.
Yes, and that was accomplished on Sunday afternoon, from 3-4 pm, with automatic results. He was awake through it all, and talked about it on the way back to his room. Amazed. Speechless. And in awe of the power of prayer that had been said for him from all over the US. His color was normal, his breathing was at the regular depth, his countenance was brighter and the whole world seemed to be singing how wonderful our God was for solving yet one more human frailty.
Then the waiting began... today.. minutes felt like hours. The clock seemed stuck - between "wait til you see the doctor", and "we're not sure he's coming today". Wait a minute... you said wait to see him... he left? we are.. waiting for what?
I know I'm not exactly calm and rational. Okay, I'm anything BUT calm OR rational. I'm exhausted. I've slept on a recliner with a blanket for 9 days out of the past 12. I've been interrupted by doctors, nurses, lab technicians, x-ray and ultrasound folks, internists, hospitalists, intensivists, bathroom needs, 'let's go walk down the hall' needs, and just not able to turn the brain off. It has been anything but unemotional. You go from a routine exam, to cancer Stage 2, to a visit with an oncologist, to a doctor telling you, "I've got good news and bad news: The bad news is you have a saddle embolism - blood clots in both lungs, the good news is that you're not dead." Wow. Because most people with this kind of blood clot don't arrive at the hospital breathing... they die before anyone can help them. Then you hear there are 7 specialists deciding what your best option is - to live. Not an easy walk in the park, is it? One ambulance ride, another hospital to learn, make sure you let people know what is going on when they ask, and oh, by the way - keep it all together, will you?
When doctors give the patient the ability to choose their own treatment - I'm lost. "Yes, you have cancer, it's up to you whether you want chemo or not." or - "Yes you have multiple blood clots in both lungs, and your right heart ventricle is pumping blood at more than twice the norm ~ it's up to you whether you want us to break those clots up and reduce the pressure in your heart." Seriously? Just why are we paying these guys? Isn't the decision making part of the process? YOU doctors have the knowledge, the training, the experience - why are you giving it to amateurs like us?
So - if we must choose - we choose life, and the ability to live it longer. A catheter is placed in Joel's neck with leads going to his heart and his lungs. One hour later, and we have a verdict: the heart pressure is below normal, an IVC filter has been placed to block any more clots moving into the lungs, and the clots already there are already beginning to dissolve. Wow - and you medical folks all credit the heprin for doing that. Thank you God, for heprin. But more importantly - thank you God for giving so many of us the ability to speak to you FOR Joel - to show him how you want to hear from us, how you can heal us miraculously and how we KNOW where the true physician is... HE is sitting on the throne, blessing his people who cry out to him for a loved one. People who have never met Joel, people who have brought his name to your feet begging for healing. People that you love, and want to show your glory through. Thank you for letting us all plead for Joel - and thank you for answering those pleas so quickly, and so strongly.
It's well after midnight. Joel has been asleep for over 2 hours. Sleep comes to us at completely different times. He can sleep any time of any day. I have to be bone tired, almost in a twilight zone before I can sleep. He wakes up, and watches television. IF I wake up, I look at the stars out our window, and fall back asleep - sometimes after starting the music that stopped earlier - sometimes not. Tonight, I'm starting music. A different playlist now. One that is soulful.. even sad at times. Because that is what I am - soulful, but sad. More to think about - more to write about - more to process. I don't want to be sad. It just seems that it's a role moms take on. And we carry it many times to our graves. Mom, I miss you. I wish I could talk to you tonight. YOU would probably still be awake anyway at almost 1am. :) We always had that in common. There are so many things we could talk about: cry about (I'd be doing the crying), and you would be comforting me - like you did so many times when I was really the child. Not this grown adult that is supposed to be the strong one. Sadly, it IS supposed to be this way - I'm now the mom - the strong one. And it's hard. Have to admit this - not a fan. Really... not a fan.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Memorial Day 2014: "I, _____, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God."
I love to write. I love to travel, and most times, I write best when traveling. I wish I wrote more (because that would say I'd be traveling more...) Some of those words are not meant for anyone but me, but today, I'm not traveling, and these words are still mostly for me, but in case someone else happens across them, then Welcome. It's a rambling kind of day, so you can find another use of your time if you wish. :)
My mind is all over the map: Need to go to the nail salon, Need to clean/declutter the house, What should we do for dinner, Wish Cassidy was with Jeremy, Do I need to microchip our dogs?, Starbucks has extra stars for orders after 2pm, the Rangers play baseball in a few minutes, and today is Memorial Day. Hmmm.. Today is Memorial Day. I realize it's a day to honor and remember the men and women who died for us - for our freedom to say and do what we think we are smart enough to say and do. This morning, Facebook acknowledged that - and it warms my heart seeing so many people giving thanks to those who serve. Although today is for honoring the dead, many honor those still alive - who are veterans, and those still in uniform. Which brings me to this... this post.. these thoughts... Remembering....
I have 3 uncles and my dad who all served in WWII. Two of them are still alive, and being honored today. Two have received their ultimate reward - in heaven. I miss my Daddy - everyday, not only today. All Daddy's girls understand. He never spoke of his war time experiences. Most men from that time don't. It must have been worse than I can imagine. But my memories today haven't landed on those men... it has gone to a much more recent time - the times I remember being a military wife.
Most of you know - I was/am a military wife twice. The first time, I was a Security Policeman's wife. I ironed camo's and he wore the blue beret. The memories of those days are still sweet, and strong. And some of the people I met are still very dear to me, and part of my life today. The second time, I was a Helicopter pilot's wife. He wore the "green bag" - the flightsuit that required VERY little laundry care. (THAT was a nice part of that uniform!) We saw beaches and mountains and loved all of the places in between. The people he flew with are still part of our military family - and still very dear to me, and part of my life today. Fast forward - from Joel's retirement in 1990, to July 2012. My son-in-law tells us he's ready to make the commitment - to join the greatest group of men and women, and become an Airman. My heart - leaps, screams, cries, rejoices and is bursting with pride. It is so odd, seeing the massive changes from my first introduction to the military in 1977 to 2014. In some ways, it's the same, and in others - it's almost unrecognizable. But the pride I feel is the same as it was when I received my first ID card. Life is odd, in how it can come full circle. Jeremy now wears the blue beret, and wears the camo uniform. Our family recognizes the oath he has made: "I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God."
And we couldn't be more proud. Of him, of Kristi: Tyson's most special girl who gave 6 years to the USN, and of all the family members and friends who have served in all branches. My thoughts land on Nolan, Teddy Joe, Wayne, Dan, Mac, Geoffrey, Michael, Kristin, Jacob, Jordan, Steve H, Rick A., Ricky W., Ricky A., Terry, Bryan, Scott, David, Eddie K, Eddie R, Ed, Joe, Chris, Dave T, Raymon, Bill D, Steve D, Bill Dennis, Paul, Rhonda, Ron, Kyle, Mark Judy and Ron Martinez (who both left this earth much too soon) and a host of others I have failed to mention.
I wouldn't trade one day of my experiences being a wife and supporter of all who served. Yes, some days were harder than others, some caused great amounts of anguish, tears and grief. And some brought wonderful times and memories with people I'm thrilled to still know and love.
I hope Cassidy feels the same - in the years following her AF travels.
For the living, Thank You for giving more than asked of you. For the families of those who died valiantly, and with honor, Thank You for being their faithful support during and after they gave their oath. And in the most humbling words of Abraham Lincoln, I'll end:
"The world will little note, nor remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.
That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. And that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."
My mind is all over the map: Need to go to the nail salon, Need to clean/declutter the house, What should we do for dinner, Wish Cassidy was with Jeremy, Do I need to microchip our dogs?, Starbucks has extra stars for orders after 2pm, the Rangers play baseball in a few minutes, and today is Memorial Day. Hmmm.. Today is Memorial Day. I realize it's a day to honor and remember the men and women who died for us - for our freedom to say and do what we think we are smart enough to say and do. This morning, Facebook acknowledged that - and it warms my heart seeing so many people giving thanks to those who serve. Although today is for honoring the dead, many honor those still alive - who are veterans, and those still in uniform. Which brings me to this... this post.. these thoughts... Remembering....
I have 3 uncles and my dad who all served in WWII. Two of them are still alive, and being honored today. Two have received their ultimate reward - in heaven. I miss my Daddy - everyday, not only today. All Daddy's girls understand. He never spoke of his war time experiences. Most men from that time don't. It must have been worse than I can imagine. But my memories today haven't landed on those men... it has gone to a much more recent time - the times I remember being a military wife.
Most of you know - I was/am a military wife twice. The first time, I was a Security Policeman's wife. I ironed camo's and he wore the blue beret. The memories of those days are still sweet, and strong. And some of the people I met are still very dear to me, and part of my life today. The second time, I was a Helicopter pilot's wife. He wore the "green bag" - the flightsuit that required VERY little laundry care. (THAT was a nice part of that uniform!) We saw beaches and mountains and loved all of the places in between. The people he flew with are still part of our military family - and still very dear to me, and part of my life today. Fast forward - from Joel's retirement in 1990, to July 2012. My son-in-law tells us he's ready to make the commitment - to join the greatest group of men and women, and become an Airman. My heart - leaps, screams, cries, rejoices and is bursting with pride. It is so odd, seeing the massive changes from my first introduction to the military in 1977 to 2014. In some ways, it's the same, and in others - it's almost unrecognizable. But the pride I feel is the same as it was when I received my first ID card. Life is odd, in how it can come full circle. Jeremy now wears the blue beret, and wears the camo uniform. Our family recognizes the oath he has made: "I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God."
And we couldn't be more proud. Of him, of Kristi: Tyson's most special girl who gave 6 years to the USN, and of all the family members and friends who have served in all branches. My thoughts land on Nolan, Teddy Joe, Wayne, Dan, Mac, Geoffrey, Michael, Kristin, Jacob, Jordan, Steve H, Rick A., Ricky W., Ricky A., Terry, Bryan, Scott, David, Eddie K, Eddie R, Ed, Joe, Chris, Dave T, Raymon, Bill D, Steve D, Bill Dennis, Paul, Rhonda, Ron, Kyle, Mark Judy and Ron Martinez (who both left this earth much too soon) and a host of others I have failed to mention.
I wouldn't trade one day of my experiences being a wife and supporter of all who served. Yes, some days were harder than others, some caused great amounts of anguish, tears and grief. And some brought wonderful times and memories with people I'm thrilled to still know and love.
I hope Cassidy feels the same - in the years following her AF travels.
For the living, Thank You for giving more than asked of you. For the families of those who died valiantly, and with honor, Thank You for being their faithful support during and after they gave their oath. And in the most humbling words of Abraham Lincoln, I'll end:
"The world will little note, nor remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.
That we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. And that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."
Sunday, November 6, 2011
America's Pastime
Even tho' I'm watching football games, my mind isn't in it. It's a wandering blog posting kind of day.
The past few months have been memorable in many ways. Most of you know that I live and breath MLB (mostly the Texas RANGERS) from Opening Day, to the close of the season. This season's run to the World Series was as fantastic as imagined. The best part of each game was the people that I shared it with - in that most beautiful of all Ballparks. Cassidy and I were at all of the same games (except that last one, where GREAT friends offered me an extra World Series Ticket!!), and cheered and cried with those guys. Of all the memories I tried to make as my children grew up - I believe this one - of "Mom, Baseball, and Ballpark Peanuts" - my version of that saying - will stand the longest. (Not that Christmas ornaments are any less important - because heaven knows, I have a tree full of 30 years of memories!)
On three occassions Cassidy and I were able to visit other ballparks this season. June took us to Yankee Stadium (where we proudly wore Ranger shirts, made some fun Yankee friends, but lost the game), July found us in the Nationals Park, where we missed by 1 day getting to watch "our" Pudge play for the Washington Nationals, and mid September we landed at Turner Field in Atlanta (albeit that's NOT were we were headed!). When Cassidy and I travel - our mantra has always been "It's an Adventure!" Boy, our original baseball tickets that morning were in Minneapolis to watch the Twins play in a noon game, but we ended up in Atlanta with a 4:00 Braves game. Adventure? Yes, please.
What this says is this: We make plans in life - sometimes they work out perfectly - sometimes they don't. The difference is what you do at the end of those plans. For the past 7 1/2 months, I have been on a different work adventure - changing positions at my place of employment. I've been blessed to meet new people, work with and for great men and wives, and watch my new boss's family set out on a completely different 'venture - without their wife and mother. Each person that I see daily confirms that life takes turns - some small, some huge. The difference in all of these turns is how we face life tomorrow. There are tears in every instance. Some are tears of happiness (we witnessed a beautiful bride marry the love of her life yesterday), some are tears of sorrow (when a courageous lady shows how to live life in the face of dying), and some are tears of disbelief (those Rangers allowing another team take a hard fought win away from them). They are still tears, nonetheless.
The question is - how do I display my daily adventures? I wish all of my tears were of the first kind, but I'll never apologize for the others. When friends rejoice, I will cry tears of joy with them: when friends are hurting, I will cry tears of anguish with those, and the rest of the days - I'll cry at Hallmark and those dog shelter commercials singing "Arms of An Angel". Or... days without the need for any tears would be just dandy too.
I just hope we won't have those World Series kind of tears next year. Because as "that" movie once said....
"There is no crying in baseball."
The past few months have been memorable in many ways. Most of you know that I live and breath MLB (mostly the Texas RANGERS) from Opening Day, to the close of the season. This season's run to the World Series was as fantastic as imagined. The best part of each game was the people that I shared it with - in that most beautiful of all Ballparks. Cassidy and I were at all of the same games (except that last one, where GREAT friends offered me an extra World Series Ticket!!), and cheered and cried with those guys. Of all the memories I tried to make as my children grew up - I believe this one - of "Mom, Baseball, and Ballpark Peanuts" - my version of that saying - will stand the longest. (Not that Christmas ornaments are any less important - because heaven knows, I have a tree full of 30 years of memories!)
On three occassions Cassidy and I were able to visit other ballparks this season. June took us to Yankee Stadium (where we proudly wore Ranger shirts, made some fun Yankee friends, but lost the game), July found us in the Nationals Park, where we missed by 1 day getting to watch "our" Pudge play for the Washington Nationals, and mid September we landed at Turner Field in Atlanta (albeit that's NOT were we were headed!). When Cassidy and I travel - our mantra has always been "It's an Adventure!" Boy, our original baseball tickets that morning were in Minneapolis to watch the Twins play in a noon game, but we ended up in Atlanta with a 4:00 Braves game. Adventure? Yes, please.
What this says is this: We make plans in life - sometimes they work out perfectly - sometimes they don't. The difference is what you do at the end of those plans. For the past 7 1/2 months, I have been on a different work adventure - changing positions at my place of employment. I've been blessed to meet new people, work with and for great men and wives, and watch my new boss's family set out on a completely different 'venture - without their wife and mother. Each person that I see daily confirms that life takes turns - some small, some huge. The difference in all of these turns is how we face life tomorrow. There are tears in every instance. Some are tears of happiness (we witnessed a beautiful bride marry the love of her life yesterday), some are tears of sorrow (when a courageous lady shows how to live life in the face of dying), and some are tears of disbelief (those Rangers allowing another team take a hard fought win away from them). They are still tears, nonetheless.
The question is - how do I display my daily adventures? I wish all of my tears were of the first kind, but I'll never apologize for the others. When friends rejoice, I will cry tears of joy with them: when friends are hurting, I will cry tears of anguish with those, and the rest of the days - I'll cry at Hallmark and those dog shelter commercials singing "Arms of An Angel". Or... days without the need for any tears would be just dandy too.
I just hope we won't have those World Series kind of tears next year. Because as "that" movie once said....
"There is no crying in baseball."
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Present, Past.... and the Past
Two things... I can't believe I haven't written here since February. It even surprised me when I saw the background - forgot that I had made changes. :)
Secondly - before I start going down memory lane, I have to say that I love my job - my house - my life. Had to say that - so that wandering minds won't wander - or wonder. My present life is blessed with more than anyone deserves.
Three different events brought me to blog tonight. And the funny thing is that they all happened in a three hour time frame. Becky, Dale and Katie.
At the present time, a friend at work is in the trenches of moving - not across town, but across the country. In talking about her world being put in boxes and tubs, suitcases and trucks - I realized I have more "stuff" than I want, or could ever use. I would hate to think that I had to move all this across country, but it has made me think about moving it across town - to charitable organizations. I wish I knew why there was such a desire to hold on to things. I blame it on being at the end of the supply line in North Dakota, unsure when the USAF Commissary would get a delivery. But truthfully, it's deeper: it's a desire to hold on to the past - the memories - times that were good, easy and full of the future. My mind still believes I'll "use it one day". To be nostalgic, those one days are slipping by, and the plans to make that t-shirt quilt or wear that old set of scubs for some dress up event are definitely past - way past.
After work, I went to a facility to see family - a second cousin who was so vibrant in the past, but presently, is such a shell of the person he was. He was the life of the party - full of laughs, cigars, short shorts, and ready for a game of poker at the drop of a hat. (Do you have a mental picture yet? Add in that he is in his 70's.) Alzheimer's disease (or dementia... does it make a big difference in the sadness that he's not the same person we all remember?) has taken so much of the present - and even our past. I remember family reunions where he would take anyone who wanted to go out on his boat - hook a fishing line for anyone who would fish with him, and made more people laugh than I can count. What hurts is that he doesn't remember it. I applaud those nurses, who work in that environment day in and day out. What a huge heart they have.
One more stop before heading home led me to a store where I ran into a former student who I interpreted for. I watched her for a moment, as she worked in her position - in silence - and I was amazed at her attention to detail. We had a great talk - catching up on life, and what has gone on since I saw her last: a car wreck, family changes, a new boyfriend, the frustrations of working where people don't understand that you can't hear or understand them... and so many past emotions flooded over me. I loved the years I worked with high school deaf teenagers. Loved listening to their stories, their jokes, talking about their families, their hopes and dreams as they became adults. Tonight I miss that interaction. Miss the light on their faces when their silent world becomes alive, when they can "talk" to someone - even for a few minutes - to break up the world where they are ignored.
And I am thankful. I'm thankful for friends, family and former students. Each person that I have interacted with today has made an impact on me - some possibly better than others. Whether it will be as much of an impact next week remains to be seen. By this time next week, I will have experienced more memories of the past - more highs in the present, and unfortunately - more regrets that my past isn't as perfect as I would want. So in case my clothes closet hasn't been cleaned out - my craft room is still in as much disarray as it is tonight, and my mind doesn't remember as much as it did last year, I want to come back and read this again - to remind myself that there is more to life than stuff. So what if I don't get home until 8:00 from a work day? Will it count against me if I never have a showcase home? Do 5 (or 6, or 8) extra pounds determine who I really am? The days when I had a great clean house, a 4 course meal on the table at 6:00, and a size 4 wardrobe all mean nothing today. What does have meaning is remembering the smiles - and all the people who have shared their lives with me. For THAT is a present "far too small".
Which brings me to the words of an old song:
"Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all."
Perfect present - by all definitions.
Secondly - before I start going down memory lane, I have to say that I love my job - my house - my life. Had to say that - so that wandering minds won't wander - or wonder. My present life is blessed with more than anyone deserves.
Three different events brought me to blog tonight. And the funny thing is that they all happened in a three hour time frame. Becky, Dale and Katie.
At the present time, a friend at work is in the trenches of moving - not across town, but across the country. In talking about her world being put in boxes and tubs, suitcases and trucks - I realized I have more "stuff" than I want, or could ever use. I would hate to think that I had to move all this across country, but it has made me think about moving it across town - to charitable organizations. I wish I knew why there was such a desire to hold on to things. I blame it on being at the end of the supply line in North Dakota, unsure when the USAF Commissary would get a delivery. But truthfully, it's deeper: it's a desire to hold on to the past - the memories - times that were good, easy and full of the future. My mind still believes I'll "use it one day". To be nostalgic, those one days are slipping by, and the plans to make that t-shirt quilt or wear that old set of scubs for some dress up event are definitely past - way past.
After work, I went to a facility to see family - a second cousin who was so vibrant in the past, but presently, is such a shell of the person he was. He was the life of the party - full of laughs, cigars, short shorts, and ready for a game of poker at the drop of a hat. (Do you have a mental picture yet? Add in that he is in his 70's.) Alzheimer's disease (or dementia... does it make a big difference in the sadness that he's not the same person we all remember?) has taken so much of the present - and even our past. I remember family reunions where he would take anyone who wanted to go out on his boat - hook a fishing line for anyone who would fish with him, and made more people laugh than I can count. What hurts is that he doesn't remember it. I applaud those nurses, who work in that environment day in and day out. What a huge heart they have.
One more stop before heading home led me to a store where I ran into a former student who I interpreted for. I watched her for a moment, as she worked in her position - in silence - and I was amazed at her attention to detail. We had a great talk - catching up on life, and what has gone on since I saw her last: a car wreck, family changes, a new boyfriend, the frustrations of working where people don't understand that you can't hear or understand them... and so many past emotions flooded over me. I loved the years I worked with high school deaf teenagers. Loved listening to their stories, their jokes, talking about their families, their hopes and dreams as they became adults. Tonight I miss that interaction. Miss the light on their faces when their silent world becomes alive, when they can "talk" to someone - even for a few minutes - to break up the world where they are ignored.
And I am thankful. I'm thankful for friends, family and former students. Each person that I have interacted with today has made an impact on me - some possibly better than others. Whether it will be as much of an impact next week remains to be seen. By this time next week, I will have experienced more memories of the past - more highs in the present, and unfortunately - more regrets that my past isn't as perfect as I would want. So in case my clothes closet hasn't been cleaned out - my craft room is still in as much disarray as it is tonight, and my mind doesn't remember as much as it did last year, I want to come back and read this again - to remind myself that there is more to life than stuff. So what if I don't get home until 8:00 from a work day? Will it count against me if I never have a showcase home? Do 5 (or 6, or 8) extra pounds determine who I really am? The days when I had a great clean house, a 4 course meal on the table at 6:00, and a size 4 wardrobe all mean nothing today. What does have meaning is remembering the smiles - and all the people who have shared their lives with me. For THAT is a present "far too small".
Which brings me to the words of an old song:
"Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all."
Perfect present - by all definitions.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Is it already February 2011?
As much as I do enjoy writing, it has to be "when the spirit moves me" kind of day. Guess the 5th "snow/ice" day out of 9 is a good prompter!
It's been busy - these last few months - all by choice. I've looked for a Travel Template to show my emotions, but guess I'm not THAT computer savy! :)
Since I last wrote, we had that awesome church Garage Sale, where my church family raised/pledged over $10 million dollars to build/send/launch Greater Things all over the world. I reveled in the hoopla about the World Series, hung onto every broadcast and am so proud of "My Texas Rangers"! Thanksgiving was different this year: Joel worked, and both kids were at other family events, so I enjoyed lots of coffee, a bowl of soup and lots of football! We all gathered that Sunday night for our family meal - weird and not impressive.
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| Yes, Mama Mia on Broadway! |
Cassidy and I took a quick trip to New York with a mutual friend the beginning of December - and caught The Radio City Rockette's Christmas Show and Mama Mia on Broadway. Ate some AMAZING food and loved being in THE city with Christmas all around. Pure delight.
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| Yes... Times Square. Do you ever get enough of that place? I didn't! Even at midnight in 28 degree weather! |
The Schrimshers were all together for our Christmas morning (the kids even spent the night here so we'd all wake up and celebrate together)! I was blessed to have 11 days off from work - vacation time (Yippee!) and loved having no alarms.
January was really on the go! Cassidy and I ventured to the other coast - to Los Angeles, CA. Our first time there, and yes, it was amazing. Drove down the Pacific Coast Highway, met up with a great friend, took tours of Hollywood, Beverly Hills, Rodeo Drive, downtown LA and the Staple Center, among other places, ate some awesome food, took hundreds of pictures, and sat in the seats of Academy Award winners at the Kodak Theater.
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| Walking back from Venice Beach - a Venice Canal! In California! |
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| THE Hollywood Sign - from Griffith Park |
The next weekend, Joel and I flew to visit Brett, Melissa and the boys, and loved laughing with them (and visiting South Padre Island!)
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| All 6 of us, at Bob's World - courtesy of Bowen's request! On the way to Port Isabel and South Padre Island. |
Following that, my American Airlines travel buddy and I took off for San Diego, CA. As much as I LOVE New York City, San Diego is my 2nd favorite place to be. Could sit and watch the Pacific all day at La Jolla Cove. THAT will definitely be a repeating destination!
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| The USS Midway. Why does my heart jump when I think of the magnitude of service and sacrifice that was experienced on this great vessel? |
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| At La Jolla Cove. What an amazing place! |
We came home just in time for the massive DFW Super Bowl hype, which occcured in the middle of a Texas weather anomaly - FOUR DAYS OF ICE AND SNOW! No school, no work, and not too much positive production! I'm looking forward to 50 degree weather Saturday - because I have another plane to catch! To meet some more fantastic WHS friends for lunch - to remember, to laugh, to be together once again. A day to make my heart happy.
Today is another "inclement weather" day - once more, no school, no work. So instead, I drink coffee while sitting in front of the fireplace and write this.
And pray.. praying for very special friends who are facing some tough medical issues. Which makes me remember: This body is frail, decaying for all of us... and this world is not our home. It is a blessing to love, and to be loved, and to know that there is always Joy in the "mourning". Through the technology of 2011, we get to share, laugh, cry and pray with and for each other here - through the blessing of internet. I'm so glad I have you to do all these things with!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Recently...
.... time has been kind. After the fast pace of summer, September has been a good month. Oh, not that it's been boring either! August closed out with a trip to Harlingen for a grandson's birthday party, a quick shopping trip to Mexico, and an afternoon on Padre Island with 3/4ths of my family. 
Home for a great holiday weekend, and then a fast trip to Colorado with a fun traveling friend!~ I don't think I'd know what to do with a fully planned out trip - with more than a week or so to put in place. My favorite trips have been the ones where you decide, "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we went to....?" The biggest blessing is that I'm married to an American Airlines instructor - who lets me use all the flight benefits I want. (Well, maybe not all I want, because I'd "want" to go somewhere every weekend!) So, the past month has landed me on the beach, and then in the mountains. The question now is.. "Where to next?" (Actually, I have October weekends already planned: Ranger/Angel games this coming weekend, a family wedding in Hearne Oct 9-10, a hopeful trip back to Harlingen the next weekend, a Memorial walk for the Alzheimer's association to honor some very special people, and then a HUGE church garage sale that will take up the entire last week of the month.) Ah, Fall brings a new energy.
Recently... I've enjoyed 2 relaxing Sundays. Waking up to 2 cups of coffee (from freshly ground beans), reading the Sunday newspaper and watching football AND the Texas Rangers baseball teams - has been wonderful. On top of that, I've spent time with a great friend from our days in Llano, had separate meals with family: i.e. dinner with my son, lunch with my mom and a separate dinner with my daughter and son-in-law. And to top it all - we sat together in worship, and shared a meal with our friends - and their friends to cap off last night. I know I am blessed - that I have been given a wonderful life, with wonderful family and friends. I hope to always remember that - even in the days when it doesn't feel like it - I need to remember it. "Things" will never replace family and friends. Proverbs 15 reminds me: "A cheerful look brings joy to the heart." For those of you reading this - consider this blog a 'cheerful look', because you do bring joy to my heart.
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